What Is Ghosting? Here’s How to Tell if You’ve Been Ghosted—and How to Avoid Doing It Yourself.

EVER BEEN ON a date or two with someone, think you had a pretty solid connection, and then a few days later, they’re gone? Congrats—you’ve been ghosted.

You’re not alone, either: Up to 30 percent of daters have seen a budding love interest do the disappearing act in the last 10 years, according to Pew Research Center. The widespread use of dating apps has made plunging into and out of someone’s life easier than ever, and improved your odds of being left without a trace. With no other ties to someone you met online and a few hours with IRL, it can be an easier to extricate yourself by simply ignoring their texts until they (hopefully) get the hint, rather than responding with a tasteful, albeit potentially awkward, “I’m just not that into you.”

It’s also easier to explain away this Casper the Not-So-Friendly Ghost behavior when you do it than when it’s done to you. The radio silence from someone you were interested in often leaves you sitting there thinking: What the hell just happened?

Well, let’s figure it out together. Ahead, relationship experts explain everything to know about ghosting, from how to handle a date’s sudden disappearance to how to avoid pulling the vanishing act yourself.

What is ghosting?

GHOSTING IS BASICALLY rejection without the closure. This often happens out of nowhere and can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and even paranoid.

“It’s ambiguous, up to interpretation, and can leave the door open for excuses to rekindle the spark down the line,” says Lorrae Bradbury, sex educator and founder of the sex-positive site Slutty Girl Problems. “Ultimately, it’s a way to end the connection without having to answer about how you really feel.”

And there are different levels of ghosting. Vanishing after a few low-key conversations, for example, is not the same as ghosting someone you’ve shared a significant connection with. “The more time people have spent with each other—and the more emotionally intimate the connection, the more likely it is that ghosting will be mentally and emotionally harmful to the ghosted person,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, CA, and author of Date Smart.

So why do people disappear? For all kinds of reasons. For instance, according to a September 2020 survey by the “anti-ghosting” dating app, Elate (which “lets you know when a match moves on and also gives you fewer reasons to ghost others”), 43 percent of people said they’d ghosted to avoid the awkwardness of saying they weren’t interested, 37 percent ghosted because the other person said or did something they didn’t like, and 36 percent ghosted because they were too busy and then it was “too late.”

Is it ever okay to ghost someone?

WHEN IT COMES to connections beyond dating apps, the reasons can vary even more—understandable, but not exactly admirable. “Ghosting is an unhealthy and disrespectful behavior,” Manly says. “Unless a person presents a threat of some kind, it’s inappropriate not to communicate that you’re not interested in moving forward.”

And although “ghosters” may feel powerful in the moment, ghosting behaviors can be a sign of inner weakness and low self-esteem, Manly adds, noting people “with high self-esteem tend to not engage in behaviors that are disrespectful or hurtful to others.”

How do you know if someone is ghosting you?

IF SOMEONE SEEMS to be into you, you go on a few dates, have sex a few times, or even date for a little while, it can be hard to accept that they have evaporated into the ether with the Ghosts of Relationships Past.

Maybe they’re just busy, right? Right? Wrong.

“I don’t buy the ‘too busy’ excuse. If someone wants to make time for you, they will find a way to,” Bradbury says. “We are all busy, but when we find someone that lights us up, we can usually shift around responsibilities to make time for them. At the very least, we can see our notifications, and write back.”

If you’re putting yourself out there and someone doesn’t message you back, they probably aren’t worth your time. As Bradbury puts it: “Where are you willing to fall on someone’s priority list?”

So if a person has vanished, and some time has passed, chances are: You’ve been ghosted.

What can I do to avoid getting ghosted?

HONESTLY, NOT A lot.

As long as you stayed respectful and true to yourself throughout your date(s), that’s all you can do. Not everyone is going to feel a romantic connection towards you, just like you don’t feel a romantic connection towards everyone. “[I]t’s best to chalk it up to incompatibility and know that a better match is out there for you,” Bradbury says.

What should you do when someone ghosts you?

IT’S OKAY TO admit you’re shaken up. It sucks that someone you cared about seems to care so little about you that they couldn’t even show you the respect of a simple goodbye text or breakup talk. It’s also reasonable that you’d feel robbed of closure. But while you may want an explanation, you likely won’t get one. The sooner you accept this, the better.

“Ghosting is usually a clear indication that they are unwilling or unable to give you the closure you’re seeking,” Bradbury says. “Perhaps they don’t know the answers themselves, or can’t communicate their feelings properly. Either way, you’re unlikely to get a straight response.”

Remember that this is a them problem, not a you problem. Under no circumstances are you to send one of those long-ass texts or voicemails asking for a reason. Even if it feels good in the moment, you will almost certainly regret making yourself look needy and insecure after you hit send.

How do you resist the urge to ghost someone?

IF YOU NO longer like someone, or have other priorities, you may be tempted to do a disappearing act of your own. While your intention may be to avoid saying something that could hurt the other person’s feelings, remember that ghosting itself. And there’s no “nice” way to ghost, Manly says.

So, what can you do instead? It’s simple: If the person doesn’t present a threat to you, communicate honestly, kindly, clearly, and briefly. There’s no need to drag things out.

“If you’ve only gone on one or two dates with a person, it’s fine to end the connection via text with a simple, ‘Thank you, but I’m shifting directions.’ There doesn’t need to be any follow-up or back and forth,” says Manly. Keep it simple and kind, while also firmly closing the door on this connection.

“If the relationship was more significant, it’s important to have a conversation with the person out of simple respect,” Manly adds. “Generally, it’s ideal to meet in person or have a phone chat; the goal is to let the other person have a sense of closure while also showing self-respect and other-respect.”

The bottom line: Be cool, and say something.

What do you do if a ghost comes back from the dead?

ALSO KNOWN AS a haunting, a ghost sometimes reappears, seemingly out of nowhere.

If a ghost wants to reconnect, it’s up to you how to proceed. Be straightforward about your feelings. If you were hurt, say so. It’s okay, at this point, to ask for an explanation about what happened. You don’t need to pretend like it was NBD. Pretending could give a ghost the green light to pull this shady specter move again down the road.

By the way, if you’re the one who wants to come back—perhaps to reconcile or just to apologize for disappearing—it’s fine to reach out when you know your intentions. Just know that you may not receive a response, and if so, respect the other person’s decision to not reengage.

And while it’s acceptable to allow a ghost back into your life if they offer a reasonable explanation for their disappearance, be cautious, says Bradbury. Pay attention to their behavior and the circumstances surrounding their resurrection. Are they bored? Inconsistent? Looking for a sure thing?

“If you’re continually being ghosted and there’s no valid reason to be found, it’s not worth your time,” Bradbury says. “Let your ghost fade into eternity.”